Protocol Issues

I don’t know the protocol for linking to other people’s pages and essentially reshaping a relevant blogs information, but I’m going to throw this stuff out there.  Agent Zero is so hot right now.  It’s disturbing considering the precipitous drop in his game.  Klosterman wrote about him in Ny Times Play Magazine.  Then Freedarko responded to that.  Then I saw this on truehoop which linked to the actual post. 

So Gilbert takes his free throws. As he gets ready for the third and final one, he turns to the Golden State bench and says: ‘Go to the lockerroom. Get on the bus. It’s over.

Gilbert Arenas is such a strange figure.  He feels like the closest thing in the NBA to the Arcade Fire.  The Arcade Fire is one of those critical darling bands but has begun to generate cross over success.  As is witnessed by their profiles in the Ny Times Sunday Magazine  and the New Yorker.  Hell, even Tony Kornheiser is openly petitioning the listeners of his radio show to give him tickets to their sold out D.C. show.  I personally don’t care much for teh Arcade Fire, but I respect bands that seemingly do this on their own and make it big time.

Gilbert Arenas is going the same route.  He is generating his own star power with his quirkiness.  However, when will he have to step up?  Will he ever be a star like T-Mac and V.C. who burn for a minute on skills and then fade out all together?  Will Arenas ever win anything and would he become a bigger star if he was somewhere besides D.C.?

I just wanted to post that insane bit about telling the team to get on the bus before he took his last shot.  Last year he choked in the playoffs when LeBron handed him the ball on the free throw line and said this is your season, don’t fuck it up.  This year he’s calling people out in the regular season.  Dude’s got stones. 

I am interested in this because of the level of confidence and bravado it takes to do something like that.  Not just on a basketball court.  I’m talking about every where in life.  I never ever feel that confident.  If I ever feel good about something, I immediately start to wonder why I feel good and then I get paranoid about the fact that I’m paranoid about the feeling I thought was good.  Then it’s usually over.  What happens to Gilberto?  Does he not feel those feelings?  What happens when he is wrong?  Can he just laugh it off?  These are the burning questions in my life.

Dunk Follow Up

Jim seems to think these will help me dunk. I’ll try anything. But probably not these:

I Want to Dunk

There is nothing else in the world I would rather be able to do than dunk.  Is dunking an acquirable skill?  Or is it innate?  Are people born dunking?  If I hadn’t wasted my time on skateboard for all those years, would I be able to slam dunk?  Can I learn now?  I’ll buy those dumb shoes, I’ll do what it takes, as long as what it takes is not hard work.  You ain’t getting this guy in a gym.

Theres thousands of these videos on youtube, I just chose this one of Vince Carter because it is amazing and it highlights the difference between American ballin and Euro ballin.  I like to think that Carter made this dunk lost his mind and Team USA was down by 20.  That would summarize our nation’s basketball pretty succinctly.

Week 16-The Kings

When Jay-Z retired he left the draw bridge to rap’s castle down. Many rappers attempted to storm in and seek the crown. None really found the crown. The crown for the King of Hip Hop is closer to the holy grail than anything else. It’s an impossible dream, one that may not exist. If it does exist only Dan Brown would be able to explain it to us. And if not him then Indiana Jones’ father. And one of those two people is a fictional character and the other uses fictional characters that the Catholic church hates, so, you know, it’s still unlikely we’re going to find the crown for hip hop.

T.I. sold the greatest amount of rap records last year. His record was called King. On a recent remix of the Fat Joe and Lil Wayne collabo, “Make It Rain,” T.I. raps that he is the “King, Captain, Numero Uno.” Saying you are the King over and over doesn’t necessarily make it a fact, but it don’t hurt either.

Last year Jay-Z attempted a comeback. He unfortunately found his castle filled with slobbish impersonators and a court filled with less talented, less charismatic rappers attempting to sit in his throne. Perhaps worse than those people-because really they were always there, just previously they showed some respect and acted subservient-the castle had been transformed. On the outside it still looked like a castle. On the inside it looked like something out of a sharper image catalog.

The burning torches were replaced with light sensing, energy saving bulbs. The fireplace was gone and in its place was an elaborate heating system. There were no longer court jesters, there were flat screen televisions and 1000 cable channels. In other words the greatest siege on his castle was not the throngs of wannabes but the technological innovations.

When Jay-Z rapped on his new record, 30’s the new 20, he sounds less like a confident old man and more like a paranoid one. The internet via downloading and blogging not only ruined his chart domination, allowing T.I. to outsell him, but it is also ruining his ability to be a CEO, because the industry is slipping and nosediving. As a CEO, if he can’t make the units shift, then he is a failure.

When John Freeborn started the league it was an entirely different time. There wasn’t blogging, there weren’t non-art fags admitted into the AFBL. He was King shit of fuck mountain. He assembled a rag tag bunch of art faggers to play ball. He had played ball his whole life. While those kids were much better at art-no offense, but milk crates? draw me a still life, prove your real worth-John was much better at basketball. Between this and his ability to secure the court, John became the defacto King of the AFBL.

Naturally he tried to pretend he was a President, but he was a president in much the same way Putin is a president. (anyone else read the new yorker?)

Then I came along, brash, handsome, wildly talented at basketball and very able to draw a still life.

I started small.  I pretended I didn’t know how to play basketball to ingratiate myself with the regulars.  I became more comfortable and began dominating.  However my prowess on the court deterred the old guard from coming to basketball.

They didn’t mind John’s relative basketball skills, they could lord over him his inability to draw anything aside from Bart Simpson.  When I came along the entire script was flipped.  “Here is a huge talent in every single way,” they’d all think.  The intimidation was enough to keep people away for long stretches.

I decided to bring in new, eager players, they weren’t all artists, but they were punctual.  I took over the AFBL in a non violent coup.  I used the internet via email to rev up the fan base.  If John was Jay-Z, you could say I was T.I. because I took over, but I prefer to think of myself as Howard Dean, sans screaming.  Dean used alternative means to raise money and stoke out his supporters.  I did the same, email lists and blogging made the league a powerful force at the start of the season.

But I saw how much pain the transfer of power was causing John.  I decided to allow him to regain control of the league for a short while.  I said, “John, this is your baby, take care of her again, like you used to.”  But John is frightened of diapers.  After the 7 person turn out from a few weeks ago I asked him to email everyone to light a fire under their ass, but John didn’t do it.  John is a negligent parent.  He isn’t fit to run the league.

I tried to hand him the crown, but his castle is different now.  His castle isn’t the one he left.  He came back and unfamiliar faces loitered about ready to actually play basketball.  He’s scared to try to reclaim the throne.  He’s scared of the technology.  He won’t take the reigns back.  And now we’ve had 2 weeks of 3 on 3 ball.

Thanks for nothing former King.

I’ll be emailing all of you bitches to come out this weekend.

HOUSER WATCH:  Week 16, Red Herrings

So, Houser emailed me with really bland information this week.  Twice.  One time he told me some secret, which isn’t particularly sexy and said I couldn’t write it on the blog, like I’d want to.  The guy is full of himself.  The second time he made some vaguely homophobic joke about Rudy Gay drinking from Knobs Creek with John Amaechi.

In all of the emails Jim asked me how to post photos on this blog.  3 times I tried to explain it to him, but he still didn’t get it.  I even included a Jpeg of the blog and photo-shopped it to explain to him how he should go about posting.  It was still too complicated for him.

I think these are the photos he wanted to post:

So now that they’re up he can leave a comment explaining them.  Aren’t we in for a treat.

I really can’t believe that he couldn’t figure it out.  Have you ever met people that just aren’t ready to be alive?  I put Jim in this category, he’s obviously technologically savvy, he produced a track for the Plastic Little record.  He just refuses to allow his brain to function in a manner that will make it possible for him to do certain things.

One of those things is play basketball.  He’s played once this year.

Week 15-Shoot

Imagine a whistling sound emanating from my lips after I remark in reverentially awestruck tones, “Week 15.”  Yes, the time flies.  If it were football we’d be preparing for the playoffs.  Well, some of us, okay, just me.  But as it is, we’re coming down off the high of the AFBall Star game from last weekend.  As you know, its a yearly tradition.  In the 15th week, we allow the 8 bestest and brightest to have McCall to themselves.  Sometimes it is derided as a mere exhibition.; a spectacle, for the over paid and overweight ballers of the AFBL. 

Whoever says that is wrong.  The game last week was enchanting.  There was a palpable sense of urgency between both Pres. Free and Chris to win the game and the MVP award. 

How does one go about winning an All Star MVP award in Philadelphia?  Kobe Bryant laid out the blueprint years ago.  You shoot and shoot and shoot.  Then when you’re done doing that, you shoot some more.  Kobe, Chris, and John Freeborn all subscribe to the Jim Houser school of thought, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”  Truer words my friends, truer words.

Chris and John were on opposite teams and attempted to balance each other out.  Chris flung more three balls than anyone has ever taken in a game.  And these weren’t open looks either.  They were dribble to the left pull up and release type shots.  He didn’t make very many, but he took an Iversonian-shoot my way out of this funk-stance.  It unfortunately never worked out.

Freeborn on the other hand would wait in the farthest reaches of the court where his opponent wouldn’t bother guarding him.  I was more often than not the person bringing the ball up the court.  I was on Free’s team.  I hated giving him the ball.  He’d either fling a three or attempt a left handed hook.  The result was the same in either case.  0 points.  Wheee!

He dribbles a lot too.

At one point I thought, “okay, John doesn’t get the ball anymore.”  But you know what?  Our opponents knew John would fuck up.  They wanted the ball in his hands.  Everyone else was guarded so I’d have to dish it to him.  And then I’d stand back, face in my hands, silently sobbing about the mockery he was making of basketball.  It was bad.

Just when I was about to lose all hope, Freeborn started making shots.  Yesterday, John emailed me asking, “where is as blog update?  I made 5 3 pointers in a row in the last game.”  There is no way that is true, but he did eventually heat up.  And so, the MVP of the annual AFBall All Star game is John Freeborn.

Congrats.

HOUSER WATCH: Week 15, Yeah Right!

There is no way Houser is invited to the all star game.  Are you kidding me?  The guy stinks.

Week 14-Lulldroms

If an AFBL falls in the woods, does it make any sound?  What is the sound of one AFBL clapping?  These are the types of philosophical questions that spring forth after weekends like the last. 

We only had enough for 3 on 3.  7 people showed up all totaled.  It was still fun, but those situations are always awkward.  We warmed up, 5 of us, each eagerly eyeing the door hoping someone would come through the door.  Hoping someones, that is, would come through the door.  3 on 3 games lack the same fire, focus and intensity of the full court 4 on 4 or 5 on 5 style game.  They’re still fun, they’re just different.  You know, like the difference between your girlfriend and your wife. 

What perplexes me about this situation is why these lulls occur in the season.  There is little to no reason for an off week for attendance.  Occassionally we just have 3 on 3 days.  Occassionally we have 20 people in attendance.  What gives people?  Is it that hard to schedule Saturday off?  What else are you doing?  You’re supposed to be artists.  That means no work, lots of drinking for inspiration and making art at night.  That leaves 1 to 4 on Saturdays totally cool for balling.  Are you intimidated that your other art friends will call you a jock?  Well, if that’s how you feel, then you are a pussy and I’d rather you not sully my court with you excretions, if you know what I mean.

I hope eight people show up this weekend.  If you think I dominate a regular game-and you definitely should-you ought to see me own the 3 on 3.  It’s all ego stroking, runnign the games, but it gets boring. 

Melt snow, melt.

Week 14:  HOUSER WATCH, Boobs

Jimmy was all up in Australia.  I went there last year in March.  AJW told me there would be nakedness abound.  He was totally wrong.  If you want to see boobs then go to France.  Their beaches are home to many an uncovered breasticle. 

I bet Jim is super bummed.  He’s too shy to go to a strip club and too ugly, and annoying, to get a lady friend.  He thought he had to go all the way around the globe just to catch a glimpse of titty balls. 

Either that of he’s there skating in demos with Ed Templeton.  Which one seems more believeable?

AJW=Art

This Friday Andrew Jeffery Wright has an art show at 1726 Chestnut St.  The opening is from 5 to 10.  It is a split show, Skullphone is handling the half the work load.  Probably the lighter half of the work load.  Go to the show instead of being an Amaechi.  Post art party at the 700 club where the AJ Dubs DJs.

 http://space1026.com/space.php?action=events&num=91

We have a hero now!

It’s being reported that ex-NBAer John Amaechi

Read the story here –> http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2757105 

Week 13-Running Numbers

The president returned this weekend, insisting that we keep score with 2’s and 3’s as opposed to 1’s and 2’s.

He didn’t announce this rule until his coach announced Freeborn would attempt to guard myself. Freeborn knew he stood no chance of guarding a real life rifleman. If I chose it, I could play in the NBA. I just happen to love photocopying, so I don’t play pro ball. Freeborn knows this. If I had an opportunity to take a shots worth twice as much as a standard shot, I’d bury the competition. I didn’t mind. We can play with 2’s and 3’s, I’d just like to make sure this is a permanent thing.

The AFBL is an organization of capriciousness. Have you ever played against Crazy Don, or Dr. Hoops as he likely thinks of himself? If you stand in the paint either posting him up or just waiting for a rebound he starts counting to 3. 3 second violations! I don’t think he’d call them, but it’s on his mind.

Fouls are equally arbitrary. I don’t think we need to get into this.

The rules we choose to accept and the rules we choose to ignore is always an interesting spectacle. Personally, I enjoy taking a few steps here and there or switching my pivot foot, but apparently that is frowned upon.
Last week we started with a 4 on 4 game while we waited for other players to show up. When enough people arrived, we ran 5 on 5. The total amount of people at McCall was 12. Two teams of 6 played against each other. Each team had a substitute that was to be subbed in between games.

I hate to sit. I’ll put it out there. I never ever want to sit. I’m not alone. Have you ever really heard anyone volunteer to sit in the first two hours? Since, I’m something of an Alpha Male I took it upon myself to ask my teammates who was going to sit out. Nobody responded. I started singling people out. Do you have any idea how unbearable that is?

I had Christian, AJW, Andrew Freeborn, Mike, and someone else that I can’t remember. Who ever you were, I’m really sorry. This is embarrassing. Anyway, as I said, I really wanted to continue playing so I didn’t volunteer myself. Christian is my favorite player to play with. He runs plays, shoots really well and swings the ball around the perimeter. It’s a real joy to share a backcourt with Christian. Andrew Freeborn is the greatest talent in the AFBL and has a subtle but palpable desire to win every game he plays. So sctach three people off the list of pine riders. AJW is a future HOFer and Mike is really good down low and a solid dude in general. I’m sure whoever I’m forgetting also has positive attributes. Was it Balz Man? If it was, I needn’t go into details about why we want him on the court. Even without the sweats he’s a valuable contributor. After 7 really uncomfortable minutes, the Mexican stand off ended. Someone was willing to sit out. I presume that the other team went through a similar problem. What a bummer for two people to sit.

I remember watching an AFBL video where Andrew Jones was the camera man. He was sitting to film, but only as a sub. He started asking people if they wanted to sit. It’s really funny to hear Andrew say, “Anyone want to sit?” Everyone ignored him like he wasn’t talking. He said it 8 times before anyone took note. Like I said, no one wants to sit. I think it’s harder to sit when its just 1 or 2 people on the bench.

This week, when there were 12 people, the problem could have been averted. We could have run three teams of 4. It’s rough sitting, but not as rough when you are sitting with three other people that really become your teammates. I get really competitive and try to get my team fired up to dethrone whoever just won. Do I want to sit? No! So I avoid that problem by winning. Having 4 people sit, getting rested and fired up to win is an entirely viable alternative to the idea of having to play 5 on 5 with 2 people sitting, getting lonely, feeling rejected, for being told to ride the pine by their teammates. How does that feel?

“Hey-you, yeah, we don’t want you on the court. Yeah, you’re on our team, but we feel like you should sit. What? Why? Oh, no reason in particular.”

The reason we run 5 on 5 is indicative of our capricious nature. We run 5 on 5 because the pros run 5 on 5. While I appreciate this idea, I think it’s worth noting the pros run on a much bigger court. Turns out the pros do a lot of things different.

Next time we have 12 people lets reinforce camaraderie and play 4 on 4.

Or I’ll start calling 3 second violations and dunking on you bitches, just like the pro I could be, if I chose.

HOUSER WATCH: Week 13, Where Was He?

THE PRESIDENT’S WIFE .

you are hereby ordered to to attend amy’s show , friday at the painted bride.

that is all.