Week 6-Drinky, the Drunk Guy Who’s Always Drinking

“Look at him go!” The Balz-Man exclaimed and delighted while watching Kevin Henderson run down the floor. “The K-Man is a beautiful man! Look at him go, where does he get the energy?” The Balz-Man was enthused and confused. “You know he didn’t do anything differently than me last night. You know he was drinking all night, but there he is, running up and down the court!” It’s true, Henderson did drink all night, and some of the day.

After the game, on a bike ride to West Philly, I got an exclusive interview with one of the most affable AFBLers of all time. “I drank from 6 [in the evening] to 3 [in the morning] yesterday,” the K-Man informed me. I told him the Balz-Man was impressed with his play despite the previous evenings debauchery. He answered, “I figure the easiest way to get the alcohol out, is to start sweating it out.” The Balz-Man might not understand where the K-Man gets his energy, but he can relate to this sentiment.

I once brought my housemate, Adam to the AFBL. He wanted to know who would be playing basketball. I told him the Balz-Man would be there. Adam said, “Is he going to be talking about being hung over?” He explained that every time he’d been around Balzarini he was always talking about being hung over. Sure enough, when we got there, the Balz-Man talked about his hang over.

That same day Ben Jones walked past Ballzy at some point late in the day and said, “You smell like alcohol.” I thought Ben was just kidding. Ben is quite the cut-up. Or I thought Ballzy emitted a subtle scent of alcohol and Ben noticed after closely guarding him. I walked past the Balz-Man a half hour later and the alcohol scent was pungent. Part of the reason Adam always hears the Ballz Man’s lamentations, is that they’ve only hung out on Saturday afternoons. And Saturday afternoons always follow Friday nights. And Friday nights mean one thing for people like the K and Balz Men: drinking, lots and lots of drinking.

And those are the type of people that populate the AFBL. Josh Ferguson, a rookie to the AFBL who promises me he’ll bring his portfolio of conceptual artworks to the next game, is a prime example. At the pre-game shoot around, before I took my four hour nap, he asked me, “Were you at the Standard Tap last night?” I was not at the popular Northern Liberties watering hole the night before. I was at home watching basketball, Ghostbusters and working on the blog. I mean, its Friday night! Catch the fever.Sigourney Weaver was Absurdly hot in Ghostbusters

“Oh, good, I saw a lot of your friends there, but I wasn’t sure if you were there, I was pretty hammered,” Josh rejoined. Clearly Josh is a drinker. And Josh taught me a drinker shouldn’t run around to start their Saturday.

This Saturday, the hated Zammer made his return to the AFBL. The Zammer is a peculiar player. He’s not tall, but he is strong. He’s a decent outside shooter, his strength allows him to haul in boards and get easy lay-ups, plus he grasps the fundamentals of the game. All of these add up to a huge competitive edge in the AFBL. I think he went 8-1 on the day, losing only in his last game. He brought the dynastic component of the AFBL back to McCall, eliminating the season long trend towards parity. I think Zammer makes sculptures from dried toothpaste or something. I can’t remember his art, I know its some seriously ground-breaking stuff. It’s probably not the toothpaste thing. I think its something pretty minimal. That way he has plenty of time to play in intramural basketball leagues and hit up the weight room. Just like most AFBLers.

Ferguson’s found himself guarding Zammer in the first two games he played against Zammer. I think it is part of some type of rookie hazing. Ferguson guarded Crazy Don earlier in the season. Maybe his teammates figure Ferguson’s propensity to work out in a gym makes him inclined to guard the most physical players. This thinking omits the fact that Ferguson’s drinking habit has a basketball problem.

After the games were over for the day, I chatted with Commish Free, Nicky and K-Man. We were discussing the fact that we had some decided ringers in the league trying to corrupt our bastion of ineptitude. The Commish interjected, “In spite of these new gunners, shooting percentage is still way down this season, as is total play.”

K-Man responded “it’s Saturday Morning, man,” implying that drinking is dragging down the league. To the K-Man, 1 o’clock on a Saturday is morning.

Nicky supported this implicit notion as he added, “Yeah, that guy Josh threw up between his second and third games.” I guess the combination of a hang over and running up and down the floor against the strongest guy in the gym took its toll on Ferguson.

What a pussy!

–Brick James

HOUSER WATCH: Week 6, No Show

Seriously? Is this guy the most defatigable poltroon on Earth or what? The gate to McCall was locked. Earlier in the week a kid was almost hit in the parking lot, so the Principal requested the gate be locked to protect the children. If a kid gets hit by a car, it’s probably the kids fault. I agree with David Roberts theories about natural selection. If a kid is too stupid to avoid a car, then we don’t need them around. No offense. Since Jim is always the first to McCall, he is ignorant about the causes of minor disturbances. Rather than wait, find out what the problem is, he takes off. The first game of this season he left when he saw tables in the gym. This week I assume that the locked gate was enough of a deterrent for Houser. What, I have to parallel park my car somewhere near the gym? Are you crazy, I drove 5 blocks to get here. There is no way I’m finding a parking spot closer to McCall than my house. And if I go back to my house then I’m just going back inside and sitting on my couch. How did Jim become a world famous artist? Was he an instant success? I assume that if he was ever rejected, he just gave up. Show me some character Houser, they’re locking the gate for the rest of the season. These Watchs are going to be a lot harder to write with out you there.

That said, I hope there is not a serious reason as to why you missed the game. Then I’d feel bad. And you don’t want me to feel bad, do you? You better have been lazy.

Programming note: I’ll be in New Haven next week, so I won’t be at the game and therefore probably wont be able to recap Week 7. However, I will be posting the top 7 Chuckers later this week so check back. It’ll be up Thursday or Friday.



Filed under AFBL, game recap

4 responses to “Week 6-Drinky, the Drunk Guy Who’s Always Drinking

  1. jfreeeeee

    The influence of “ringers” affects us all. They’ve been in the AFBL for years, and we have to re-establish the strength of the real art fags. The ringers are outnumbered, but the numbers are getting more equal. To battle this, we need to recruit more true art fags. I’ve been doing my part, but I will make good on my “threat” to start recruiting at the art schools if this situation doesn’t get balanced soon.

  2. Joseph

    I say we just throw out the ringers. Cool?

  3. the (c)answer

    artbasel , mudderfucca . google it .

    it happens in miami and it’s where the art world power moves go down.

    so, instead of running rock saturday, now i have a july show in paris and an 2008 show in copenhagen .

    i am keeping the “A” in this league….


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